It is estimated that 90% of people in Western cultures will be married by the age of 50. Unfortunately, experts report that 40-50% of these marriages in the United State will end in divorce. In the wake of his one divorce, one motivational speaker and coach has taken to his blog to share the advice he wished someone had given him when he was married.
Those of you who have been married know what I’m talking about when I mention all of the well-meaning advice that is suddenly directed toward the ‘new couple’ as soon as there is discussion of wedding bells. Friends, family and loved ones reach out in the hope of increasing your chances of a long and happy marriage. While some of this advice may be incredibly helpful, other tips may leave us rolling our eyes. Especially those who have never been married before themselves. At the same time, there is something to be said about learning from the mistakes of others…
Powerful Marriage Advice From A Divorced Man, After 16 Years Of Marriage:
#1 – Never Stop Dating
Far too often when couples get married they settle into the idea that they have already ‘have’ their partner. This is dangerous, as it can lead us to take this person we love so dearly for granted, failing to show them just how much we care. Don’t get lazy. Don’t lose the mindset that you had during dating when you were working hard to show your partner that you have chosen them each and every day.
#2 – Protect Your Heart
While we should aim to show love and compassion for the people that we meet throughout life, we also need to learn to protect our own heart. There is plenty of space in your heart for others, but you need to keep one special space reserved just for your partner. This is what sets your relationship apart from every other friendship in your life.
#3 – Allow Yourself to Fall in Love Every Day
The action of falling in love isn’t something that is ‘once and done’, instead, it’s an ongoing experience. Every day you need to fall in love with your partner all over again. Why is this important? You will both change, evolve and grow through life, and it’s important to be in love with who they are today, not just who they were when you first met.
#4 – Focus on The Best in Your Partner
When you spend your life so closely tied with someone else, it’s normal to start noticing their quirks, flaws, and weaknesses. Don’t allow this to dominate your thoughts. Instead, actively make an effort to always focus on the best parts of their personality and character. Remember the reasons why you love them, the traits that win you over time and time again.
#5 – Don’t Try to Change Her
There is only one person you have the responsibility, power, and right to change in life, and that’s yourself. When you love and accept your partner, it is for who they are, flaws and all. Don’t enter into a relationship with the expectation to change the other person, or that’s a relationship that is destined to fail. She may change over time, but that is her choice. Your only job is to continue to love her at each stage of her personal journey.
#6 – Be Accountable for Your Own Emotions
A common mistake that happens in many relationships is that you believe this person will make you happy during life’s challenging times, however, this isn’t our partner’s responsibility. In fact, the only person able to bring joy and happiness to your life is you. You may not have control over the situations you face, but you do have control over your reactions. Your happiness will then transfer to your relationship, not the other way around.
#7 – Never Blame Your Partner
This is another point that comes back to the fact that YOU choose your reactions in life. While your partner may do something that isn’t ideal, or that triggers emotions within yourself, you are still responsible for how you react. Rather than blaming your partner for the fact you are feeling sad or angry, take some time to focus on the reasons why you are feeling this way. Did this trigger feelings from your past? If so, you need to work through this baggage.
#8 – Don’t Always Try to Fix Everything for Her
When your partner comes to you and shares situations in her life that may leave her feeling sad and upset, she’s not necessarily looking for you to ‘fix it’. Instead, she simply needs you to be there, support her, listen to her and let her know that it’s going to be okay. Offer her encouragement, encourage her to share with you and don’t pass judgment. Always be there when she’s struggling.
#9 – Have Fun
Don’t take life too seriously. Make time in your relationship to have fun and be goofy. One of the greatest tools for a long-lasting, happy marriage is laughter.
#10 – Learn Her Love Language
This is a concept that was popularized by Gary Chapman. Every person expresses love and, in turn, receives love in a specific way, known as their love language. Take the time to learn your partner’s love language, and then use it to show her that you love her each and every day.
#11 – Be Present
In a world where we are so easily distracted, our phones, computers and fast-paced lifestyle often dominating our attention, make a point of being present in your relationship. Take some time every day where you turn off your television, put down your phone and just spend time together. Give her your undivided attention and you will show her just how valuable she is to you.
#12 – Take Her Passionately
This doesn’t mean to try to force sexual play upon her, but when you are both in that moment, take control. Make her pleasure your top priority while allowing her to embrace her feminine side. Show her that she can trust you in every way.
#13 – Don’t Be Afraid of Making Mistakes, But Don’t Make Excuses
Mistakes happen, no one is perfect. However, there are reasonable mistakes and ridiculous mistakes. Don’t use the idea that ‘mistakes happen’ as an excuse to be lazy or reckless. At the same time, however, when faced with a genuine error, own it. Acknowledge your mistakes and take responsibility for them.
#14 – Give Her Space
While you obviously want to spend time together, this is why you entered into this relationship together, that doesn’t mean you want to spend every second of every day together. Give her the space that she needs to embrace herself, practice self-care, and to enjoy the things that bring her joy. This may include going out with the girls or simply curling up with her favorite book. Encourage her to take this time.
#15 – Be Vulnerable
As we previously established, you are not perfect. She knows that you aren’t perfect, and she loves you anyway. So, why would you try to be something you’re not when it will come across as fake or forced? Instead, embrace vulnerability. Acknowledge our flaws and errors, learning from them. Most importantly, let her into your heart including sharing your fears. Allow her to be there for you.
#16 – Be Transparent
One of the most important building blocks for any successful marriage is trust, and this can only truly be built when both partners embrace the concept of transparency. Don’t keep secrets or wear masks in your marriage. Instead, be honest and share openly with your partner. Give her the opportunity to love you both in the highs and the lows that life will encompass.
#17 – Continue Growing Together
Throughout life, you will consistently be presented with opportunities to grow and evolve, but this doesn’t have to be experienced alone. In fact, it shouldn’t be experienced alone. Instead, take on these challenges together. By growing together, you will also grow closer as you navigate your way through life.
#18 – Don’t Argue Over Finances
I know, I know, easier said than done. Finances are recognized by many relationship experts as the number one reason for arguments in relationships, so it would benefit you to try to eliminate this point of contention. Rather than arguing over money, work together as a team to find a solution.
#19 – Practice Forgiveness
I will say it again, a point that has come up many times throughout this advice, you are not perfect. With that in mind, how can you expect your partner to be? Rather than dwelling on your partner’s mistakes or holding grudges, which will only work to drive you apart, learn to practice forgiveness. The choice is yours, rather than choosing anger, practice love and compassion. It can turn the most difficult of situations into an opportunity to become closer.
#20 – Always Choose Love
This, Rogers states, is the most important piece of advice that can be given to any couple. Above all else in your lives together, always choose love. Challenges, struggles, arguments, and hurt feelings will all come and go. Don’t allow these things to tear you apart. Instead, choose love every day.
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